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hey ashkie, yea, you're pretty much on point throughout your post. no self-control, guilt, shame, uncertainty, hidden reasons, doubts. everything, even if small ones, piles up together eventually and becomes too heavy to bear. and costed our relationship, which i probably shouldn't have went for when i wasn't ready. so many decisions that i made on a whim these past months which caused so much grief within the 3 of us. i definitely need to reflect and find back myself before i get together with anyone, be it with you, her, or someone else. i would have to get over both of you; right now at my current state, i would long for one if i'm with the other. i would have to learn to move on, learn from my mistakes and forgive myself too; not sure how i'm gonna do that, but i'll manage eventually.  you definitely deserve better, not just me at my best, but also potentially someone else better too. you probably heard it a thousand times already, but i'm ju...
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to ashkie: There's so many things I wanted to tell you. These past few days I wanted to say how much I miss you. I wish that I could just walk up to you, hug you, and leave everything behind me. And that is what I would want to do if we get back together again. My 101%, all in you. I want to text you. I want to know how you're doing. I want to be there for you and listen to you when your tears flow. I want to call you and cry about how much I died inside today, and the days to come; how I really, really missed you. But I hope you would take this time to think it through as well. With all the things I'd done, someone like me isn't really worth it. At this very moment, you may feel you might never find someone like me again. You may be right; I thought the same way a decade ago too, but someone better will definitely come along. I sincerely wish that you could move on. If too much time elapsed when I woken up and you're gone, I would chase you all over agai...
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to ashkie: We got together. Surreal, bizzare, but we were finally together. What we thought was a tragic love story actually brought us together as one. I did have my insecurities as well. A lot of them, in fact. One of my deepest fears was that you would mind my socioeconomic status when you first came over. I was afraid I'm too much of a home guy for you. I was afraid you would be bored of me. Even when I was young around your age, my life was extremely mundane. My family background is pretty complicated and messed up. I don't exactly have a 10/10 relationship with my mum. Although I'm working, there are bills I have to pay, money I had to save for a possible future to get out of this hole; I was afraid I can't give you enough. Due to our gap and the different phases that we're in, I'm worried that you might feel lonely. I sometimes do need to recharge alone, and I was worried you might feel left out. I sometimes feel a little jelly when you're out, o...
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